On writing

Sometimes I like to pretend I have one of those fancy blogs, you know the kind where every picture looks delicious?  Where you wish your life was that beautiful and simple and homegrown?  You know, the kind you have to scroll all the way down to the bottom after about a page and a half of deep explanation for why they sliced the peaches that way to get to the real recipe at the end?

Yeah this probably isn't that kind of blog. However I am putting up the end of this season's peaches.  Aren't peaches such a pretty fruit?

I want to write. Literally every day I have inner dialogues that I think "This would make a great blog."  But I am chicken. I was telling a friend yesterday that writing scares me. It is so much more vulnerable than speaking. I love my job as counselor in part because it involves speaking (and listening of course.) I get instant feedback and if my message was received. I also love to do public speaking and trainings. The feedback, the looks, the laughs, the nods are instant.  Writing?  It's like "well here's my heart..."  Crickets.  Also no inflection.  Like did you know I wasn't speaking of literal crickets?  Maybe maybe not... But now that I am off of Facebook (I am always in some kind of battle with my love hat relationship with media) I figure possibly no one will read this anyway. It's like letting go of a balloon and letting it float up into the cloud. Maybe this will be a good place to do a little practice. If you are reading this I'd love a comment. Likely it's just my mom.  (Hi Mama!)  

PS- https://www.southernliving.com/how-to/freeze-peaches

The DUMB Phone

So tomorrow will be 3 months since I started this Dumb Phone experiment. Sorry I haven't really updated much.  Let me catch you up! The first week was really really hard.  I found myself pulling the dumb phone out multiple times per day whenever I felt anxious or bored and looking at it and immediately remembering that it cannot entertain me!  This was a great way to remind myself to let go and to pray. I started this during the season of Lent and so every time I found myself wanting to be entertained or not feel bored or awkward I was reminded to pray. Also it made me grouchy (the lack of stimulation- not the prayer!)  It was a withdrawal process just like deciding not to eat sugar or caffeine or any other creature comfort.  John was his ever patient self and continued to encourage me and listen to my complaining about the inconvenience. And it was SO inconvenient!  Let me count the ways:

• First of all, since I had an iPhone for so many years, all my text messages were set to be imessages which means that my friends and family would send messages to me and I had no way to receive them.  I would get some on my Mac computer, but some not at all. Then I found out I needed to tell Apple that I no longer wish to use imessage and they have a form to do that.  After that all my messages for the most part came to my new phone. I still miss some though for unknown reasons.  
• I cannot receive group texts, I get texts that appear as if they are just to me, but really are a group text. I have no way to know who else is in the group. The messages also come out of context, I can't tell what order they are in, etc.
• When people text me pictures they are so tiny it's really hard to see them. Sometimes I ask them to email them instead.
• I cannot get Emoji's they all look like this: ⃞.  So that ends up with some confusing and even funny results. Especially since people now often just reply with emojis.  
• I can't use Google maps!  I am notorious for getting lost and so John received a LOT of phone calls! 

Every day I was realizing what I was missing and felt frustrated.  After about five days John was like "I need you to get a hold of yourself. You are choosing to do this and you have good reasons." And I realized WHY is it a big deal if something is inconvenient?  WHY do I need everything to be easy all the time?  This phone experiment had revealed another addiction that I hadn't even realized: addiction to ease. In fact, I think that this aspect of our culture has caused serious harm. We have forgotten that most things that are worthwhile are actually hard and inconvenient. I don't need to have everything be easy, being inconvenienced won't kill me.  I started to notice other areas where I was inconvenience adverse: waiting in traffic, at the doctors office, waiting for coffee to brew, waiting for our food in a restaurant. I realized I need to purposefully add things into my life that are not easy, so I began grinding my own coffee beans, I helped John with the gardens. I am cooking more. I am reading actual paper books more. I am trying to write some handwritten notes and cards and mailing them to people. Slower seems more meaningful more real.

After about a week I realized my mind felt clearer.  I don't have as much constant stimulation coming into my brain. Instead of going to read a text message and then seeing I had an email and then clicking a link and getting on Safari all in about two seconds, I could just read a text message. It felt so simple and refreshing. I had more attention to give to things and I communicated with John better. I think I am even getting better at finding my way around without GPS! All these benefits began to feel really good and worthwhile and the inconvenience seemed less important. So I've decided to keep the dumb phone for the foreseeable future.  I realize there may be life stages in the future that make having a smart phone a better option, but until then I am enjoying the simplicity of the dumb phone.  It's beautiful in the sense that it does exactly what I need it to do and nothing more.  Thanks for following this journey!

Below are a few things that helped me along the way that I highly recommend!
http://andsonsmagazine.com/podcast/57-stress-productivity-connection-media-rules-blaine
http://www.ransomedheart.com/podcast/world-part-1 

And on a purely practical level if you decide to attempt this yourself:
https://www.cnet.com/news/apple-releases-tool-for-deregistering-imessage-phone-numbers/

I want out!

I love my iphone, I use it to use the internet, check the weather, listen to podcasts, email, video message my family, play board games online, and of course Facebook, Instagram, and endless clicking on articles that can lead to some fun rabbit holes!  Not to mention it's my gps, alarm clock, encyclopedia, recipe book, communication device, kitchen timer, newspaper, medical research, Bible, e-reader, music player, audio book reader and on and on.

Do you know what else it is?  It is something I use when I feel awkward or anxious to not have to be present.  It's a tool I use for affirmation when I am feeling bad about myself.  It's something that keeps me from feeling bored or uncomfortable.  Sometimes I feel scared or lonely and instead of doing something that may really help (call a friend, go for a walk, pray) I just zone out and hope I can wait the bad feelings out.

I know due to some trauma from my past I struggle with not feeling present in my body. My job certainly doens't help me feel more present in my body, I get paid to sit and talk to people. I think that my phone could be complicating this issue for me.  When I am on my phone I don't feel my body, I don't notice if my foot is falling asleep or if I am uncomfortable. I may be sleepy but as long as I am bathed in the glow of the screen I stay awake.  What would it be like to not have this option multiple times per day?  Especially before bed or first thing in the morning.

I think it's making me more anxious, not less.  The constant stimulation given by notifications and  multiple apps and multiple pages being open does not actually make me feel calmer.  It may be the thing I turn to when I feel anxious but I am not sure it actually helps.

Worst of all its become a real point of frustration in my marriage. I know stereotypically it's the husband who "doesn't listen" but in our marriage it's me.  Countless times John will say something offhand maybe a little joke or a quick question and I won't hear it.  I am so deep in my iphone I can't focus on anything else. I've always had the ability to hyper-focus.  I remember as a kid books could get my total attention and allow me to block out all else. I had thought of it as a minor annoyance but then I was talking with a friend about how often John and I have this problem and she said "Oh, he's trying to connect with you and your missing it."  Suddenly it wasn't just a little quirk or annoying thing I do.  It is someone I love trying to connect with me.  Maybe it's just for a second and maybe he's not even saying anything of consequence, but still it's a connection. He's getting tired of repeating himself!

Last year around Lent I disconnected my Facebook account.  It was really hard, I know Facebook has fallen out of fashion but for me it was my primary way of interacting with the internet. This year I wasn't sure what to do for the first part of Lent but for this last part I've decided:  I WANT OUT!

(I am doing this in reverse! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hox-ni8geIw)

I'm getting a DUMB Phone.


I'll do this for the rest of March and then re-evaluate.  Maybe I'll keep it forever? (Gulp!)

I have a ton of anxieties about this...
What will I do when I feel awkward?
Will I miss out on connecting with my family and friends? Especially Marco Polo and the sweet videos of my little nephew and niece!
What will I listen to on my commute without my podcasts?
And worst of all... I will get LOST ALL THE TIME! (you may know I am famous for my lack of direction, I've warned John to be ready for many frustrated phone calls!)

This is not a fast from the internet or even social media.  I can Wikipedia and Facebook as much as I want but I have to get out my laptop and take the time to let it load.  I do think that just out of practicality I will decrease my time online.

(I also know that there are apps for this and things that decrease your time online and not sleeping with the phone in your bedroom, etc.  I want to try this becasue I like the old-school feel.  I am actually old enough to remember a world before smart phones.)

I will definitely need to print out a lot of maps off of Google... remember those days?

I'll try to get on my computer and update you all fairly regularly on how it's going.