Redeemed

Here is a blog post I wrote for my church a few weeks ago:

http://porticochurch.wordpress.com/2013/08/03/redeemed/

For years I was bitter. Although I never changed my name, my life echoed the ancient words of Naomi: “Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter. I went away full but the Lord has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi? The Lord has afflicted me the Almighty as brought misfortune upon me.”
I was a believer but I never let God get too close. I held Him at bay for years with religion then with Biblical scholarship, then with service and helping others. On the outside all seemed well but my heart was very hard. I had a vague notion that there was something more but the “more” scared me.
I remember sitting with good friends in grad school and admitting that I didn’t trust God. I didn’t cry there was no emotion but just hopelessness. They were quiet and then prayed over me. No amount of convincing would let me know that God could be trusted.
Then He began to change me. It was terrifying and amazing. I began to wrap my mind around the idea that He was not the one who had perpetrated the horrible events in my life. I began to wrap my heart around the idea that I could be known deeply and loved well. I began to wrap my actions around the idea that I could risk and be brave.
Coming to Monroe and joining Portico was yet another step in the long process. Here I learned that my small group of friends were not the only trustworthy people in the world. That I could risk on bigger levels. That I could grow and learn and lead.
This story focuses on Ruth but I wonder what Naomi felt when Boaz took them in? She did not gain a husband but I think she gained assurance that God had never forgotten her. That she mattered. She was redeemed as well. It may be uncomfortable, even terrifying, but we all are in deep need of redemption. Join us tomorrow night @6 as we discover redemption together.

Thoughts on True Integrity

I am learning that integrity is much broader than just doing the right thing in matters of ethics or making sure not to lie or cheat.  True integrity is about doing the right thing even if it is uncomfortable, even if it costs you something, even if it hurts.  True integrity is a commitment to do what is right or needed even if you don’t feel like it. 

I understand this principle in areas like becoming a better leader.  For instance, I try to have the hard conversations first and not put off things that need to be dealt with.  Putting them off may be most comfortable in the short term, but in the long term they only snowball to bigger and bigger problems.  This is true in relationships and it’s true in any of those sometimes menial tasks that we all tend to want to put off.

Applying these principles to my personal life has taken much more time and energy.  For instance, I have decided that the best time for me to exercise is in the morning, it’s the only consistent time in my day.  Doing the right thing no matter what means getting up at 5:30- no matter how I am feeling.  It’s putting on those shoes and getting into my car to get to the gym bright and early.  It has been surprising to discover that my feelings actually matter very little.  When I make it about doing the right thing then the decision becomes easy.   

This does not mean that I ignore my feelings when I am sick or injured, then the right thing is to rest and recuperate.  It is normal that most of the time I will not feel like doing the right thing.  I try not to let that fact alarm me.  Doing what is right is often costly, even unpopular.  I have let my feelings drive me and determine how I chose to live my life far too often.  

I always feel better at 7 am knowing that I did what I have committed to do.   There is a kind of internal consistency to this type of living that has brought a lot more peace into my life.  It is almost like I am able to trust myself in ways that I never had before.  I notice that I am able to accomplish more and able to handle stressful situations with less anxiety.  I have proven to myself that I can and will follow through.  Besides, on days I go to the gym, the hardest part of my day is already over!  I survived and conquered burpees!  I did push ups!  I ran and walked until I was out of breath.  Nobody will throw anything at me that difficult for the rest of my day!  You got problems you need me to handle?  You got paperwork that needs to be done?  It’s okay!  The most challenging part of my day has already been conquered.  And even if I did not perform as I would have liked I still made it out there.  Sometimes just showing up isn’t just half the battle- it is the battle and if you did that then you’ve made it!