On writing

Sometimes I like to pretend I have one of those fancy blogs, you know the kind where every picture looks delicious?  Where you wish your life was that beautiful and simple and homegrown?  You know, the kind you have to scroll all the way down to the bottom after about a page and a half of deep explanation for why they sliced the peaches that way to get to the real recipe at the end?

Yeah this probably isn't that kind of blog. However I am putting up the end of this season's peaches.  Aren't peaches such a pretty fruit?

I want to write. Literally every day I have inner dialogues that I think "This would make a great blog."  But I am chicken. I was telling a friend yesterday that writing scares me. It is so much more vulnerable than speaking. I love my job as counselor in part because it involves speaking (and listening of course.) I get instant feedback and if my message was received. I also love to do public speaking and trainings. The feedback, the looks, the laughs, the nods are instant.  Writing?  It's like "well here's my heart..."  Crickets.  Also no inflection.  Like did you know I wasn't speaking of literal crickets?  Maybe maybe not... But now that I am off of Facebook (I am always in some kind of battle with my love hat relationship with media) I figure possibly no one will read this anyway. It's like letting go of a balloon and letting it float up into the cloud. Maybe this will be a good place to do a little practice. If you are reading this I'd love a comment. Likely it's just my mom.  (Hi Mama!)  

PS- https://www.southernliving.com/how-to/freeze-peaches

The DUMB Phone

So tomorrow will be 3 months since I started this Dumb Phone experiment. Sorry I haven't really updated much.  Let me catch you up! The first week was really really hard.  I found myself pulling the dumb phone out multiple times per day whenever I felt anxious or bored and looking at it and immediately remembering that it cannot entertain me!  This was a great way to remind myself to let go and to pray. I started this during the season of Lent and so every time I found myself wanting to be entertained or not feel bored or awkward I was reminded to pray. Also it made me grouchy (the lack of stimulation- not the prayer!)  It was a withdrawal process just like deciding not to eat sugar or caffeine or any other creature comfort.  John was his ever patient self and continued to encourage me and listen to my complaining about the inconvenience. And it was SO inconvenient!  Let me count the ways:

• First of all, since I had an iPhone for so many years, all my text messages were set to be imessages which means that my friends and family would send messages to me and I had no way to receive them.  I would get some on my Mac computer, but some not at all. Then I found out I needed to tell Apple that I no longer wish to use imessage and they have a form to do that.  After that all my messages for the most part came to my new phone. I still miss some though for unknown reasons.  
• I cannot receive group texts, I get texts that appear as if they are just to me, but really are a group text. I have no way to know who else is in the group. The messages also come out of context, I can't tell what order they are in, etc.
• When people text me pictures they are so tiny it's really hard to see them. Sometimes I ask them to email them instead.
• I cannot get Emoji's they all look like this: ⃞.  So that ends up with some confusing and even funny results. Especially since people now often just reply with emojis.  
• I can't use Google maps!  I am notorious for getting lost and so John received a LOT of phone calls! 

Every day I was realizing what I was missing and felt frustrated.  After about five days John was like "I need you to get a hold of yourself. You are choosing to do this and you have good reasons." And I realized WHY is it a big deal if something is inconvenient?  WHY do I need everything to be easy all the time?  This phone experiment had revealed another addiction that I hadn't even realized: addiction to ease. In fact, I think that this aspect of our culture has caused serious harm. We have forgotten that most things that are worthwhile are actually hard and inconvenient. I don't need to have everything be easy, being inconvenienced won't kill me.  I started to notice other areas where I was inconvenience adverse: waiting in traffic, at the doctors office, waiting for coffee to brew, waiting for our food in a restaurant. I realized I need to purposefully add things into my life that are not easy, so I began grinding my own coffee beans, I helped John with the gardens. I am cooking more. I am reading actual paper books more. I am trying to write some handwritten notes and cards and mailing them to people. Slower seems more meaningful more real.

After about a week I realized my mind felt clearer.  I don't have as much constant stimulation coming into my brain. Instead of going to read a text message and then seeing I had an email and then clicking a link and getting on Safari all in about two seconds, I could just read a text message. It felt so simple and refreshing. I had more attention to give to things and I communicated with John better. I think I am even getting better at finding my way around without GPS! All these benefits began to feel really good and worthwhile and the inconvenience seemed less important. So I've decided to keep the dumb phone for the foreseeable future.  I realize there may be life stages in the future that make having a smart phone a better option, but until then I am enjoying the simplicity of the dumb phone.  It's beautiful in the sense that it does exactly what I need it to do and nothing more.  Thanks for following this journey!

Below are a few things that helped me along the way that I highly recommend!
http://andsonsmagazine.com/podcast/57-stress-productivity-connection-media-rules-blaine
http://www.ransomedheart.com/podcast/world-part-1 

And on a purely practical level if you decide to attempt this yourself:
https://www.cnet.com/news/apple-releases-tool-for-deregistering-imessage-phone-numbers/

I want out!

I love my iphone, I use it to use the internet, check the weather, listen to podcasts, email, video message my family, play board games online, and of course Facebook, Instagram, and endless clicking on articles that can lead to some fun rabbit holes!  Not to mention it's my gps, alarm clock, encyclopedia, recipe book, communication device, kitchen timer, newspaper, medical research, Bible, e-reader, music player, audio book reader and on and on.

Do you know what else it is?  It is something I use when I feel awkward or anxious to not have to be present.  It's a tool I use for affirmation when I am feeling bad about myself.  It's something that keeps me from feeling bored or uncomfortable.  Sometimes I feel scared or lonely and instead of doing something that may really help (call a friend, go for a walk, pray) I just zone out and hope I can wait the bad feelings out.

I know due to some trauma from my past I struggle with not feeling present in my body. My job certainly doens't help me feel more present in my body, I get paid to sit and talk to people. I think that my phone could be complicating this issue for me.  When I am on my phone I don't feel my body, I don't notice if my foot is falling asleep or if I am uncomfortable. I may be sleepy but as long as I am bathed in the glow of the screen I stay awake.  What would it be like to not have this option multiple times per day?  Especially before bed or first thing in the morning.

I think it's making me more anxious, not less.  The constant stimulation given by notifications and  multiple apps and multiple pages being open does not actually make me feel calmer.  It may be the thing I turn to when I feel anxious but I am not sure it actually helps.

Worst of all its become a real point of frustration in my marriage. I know stereotypically it's the husband who "doesn't listen" but in our marriage it's me.  Countless times John will say something offhand maybe a little joke or a quick question and I won't hear it.  I am so deep in my iphone I can't focus on anything else. I've always had the ability to hyper-focus.  I remember as a kid books could get my total attention and allow me to block out all else. I had thought of it as a minor annoyance but then I was talking with a friend about how often John and I have this problem and she said "Oh, he's trying to connect with you and your missing it."  Suddenly it wasn't just a little quirk or annoying thing I do.  It is someone I love trying to connect with me.  Maybe it's just for a second and maybe he's not even saying anything of consequence, but still it's a connection. He's getting tired of repeating himself!

Last year around Lent I disconnected my Facebook account.  It was really hard, I know Facebook has fallen out of fashion but for me it was my primary way of interacting with the internet. This year I wasn't sure what to do for the first part of Lent but for this last part I've decided:  I WANT OUT!

(I am doing this in reverse! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hox-ni8geIw)

I'm getting a DUMB Phone.


I'll do this for the rest of March and then re-evaluate.  Maybe I'll keep it forever? (Gulp!)

I have a ton of anxieties about this...
What will I do when I feel awkward?
Will I miss out on connecting with my family and friends? Especially Marco Polo and the sweet videos of my little nephew and niece!
What will I listen to on my commute without my podcasts?
And worst of all... I will get LOST ALL THE TIME! (you may know I am famous for my lack of direction, I've warned John to be ready for many frustrated phone calls!)

This is not a fast from the internet or even social media.  I can Wikipedia and Facebook as much as I want but I have to get out my laptop and take the time to let it load.  I do think that just out of practicality I will decrease my time online.

(I also know that there are apps for this and things that decrease your time online and not sleeping with the phone in your bedroom, etc.  I want to try this becasue I like the old-school feel.  I am actually old enough to remember a world before smart phones.)

I will definitely need to print out a lot of maps off of Google... remember those days?

I'll try to get on my computer and update you all fairly regularly on how it's going.  

“Have it Your Way”

My husband (John) and I traveled to the wee island of Iona in Scotland just after our honeymoon. It was a beautiful place, with rocky beaches and beautiful sunsets. Every day was an adventure for the senses. We ate two meals per day at our lovely little hotel which faced the sea. All their food was local and in season and we got to try a variety of seafoods, lamb, etc. One of the more delightful things was a crunchy little sea plant known as Samphire. Now had this been on a menu that we got to choose from, I might not have tried it. When I asked I was told it was a kind of seaweed… not too appetizing huh?  But it was just wonderful!  Crunchy and fresh tasting, a bit salty and vaguely resembling asparagus. I learned in my time there to relax more, to become a learner and to be open and curious. The more I did this, the more I learned about our surroundings and the more I enjoyed our stay.

One day at teatime I was enjoying wonderful scones with cream and jam and delicious french press coffee.  I was sitting in a little annex off the dining room that had huge windows that faced the sea. It was rainy and rainbowy sort of day  and I was quietly taking it all in.  That is until four women came in and sat behind me. They were Americans and began loudly talking about how you couldn’t find good food in the UK. (I began to get a little uncomfortable, after all we were surrounded by Scottish people!) I thought to myself, are we Americans always this loud? When the waitress came, they all ordered cheeseburgers and began asking the waitress if the hotel had any “yellow mustard.”  The waitress seemed somewhat confused, she replied “our mustard is yellow.” They asked “Yes but is it English mustard or yellow mustard?”  The waitress said that she would check. After she left they began discussing how difficult it is to get “normal food” and how terrible the weather had been. When the waitress came back she gave them the brand name of the mustard and explained that it was indeed English mustard.  The ladies said that wouldn’t do, and then proceeded to grill the poor girl on several other menu options asking if they could have their food specially made in this way and that.

I felt a little sad for them, and also was humbled… I too have often demanded my own way. In fact we live in a culture that says you can “Have it your way” as a popular restaurant chain promised. This has slipped over into every area of life. We begin to think we can have every part of our life customized, designed in just the way we want it to be. Inherent in the “have it your way” kind of thinking is the idea that we know what is best for our lives, that we actually know what we need. When we live this way, our focus begins to narrow, to become more and more self centered. We also miss out on so many beautiful blessings that could come our way if we were less picky.  I doubt those women would have risked ordering the Samphire. They seemed to shy away from anything unfamiliar even in their diet. (Not long ago I would have been the same way!) So we missed out on all the wonderful unique flavors.

In his book Celebration of Discipline, Richard Foster writes that “Submission… is the ability to lay down the terrible burden of always needing to get our own way.” While you may think you are free when you are demanding that things go your way, truly you are in bondage. You are not free to experience life through another’s eyes, you are not free to allow someone else to provide for you or to suggest another way. It really is a terrible burden, later Foster writes “The obsession to demand that things go the way we want them to go is one of the greatest bondages in human society today.”

This, no doubt is part of the reason Paul urges us to “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” in Ephesians 4.  Again in Philippians 2 he urges us to “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility regard others as better than yourselves.” When we do this we are following the example of Jesus who for our sake let go of all of his preferences, emptying himself and being obedient to death. His is the ultimate self-sacrifice and we are called to walk in His footsteps, thinking of others first.  

Marriage presents another way God uses to free us from this bondage, that is if we will let Him. John and I married later in life, he nearing 40 and me in my mid 30’s. We had gotten degrees, launched careers, bought homes, and settled into our own ways of living. Coming together now after establishing so many habits can be challenging! At times his way of thinking or doing things seems utterly counter-intuitive to me! And yet, I remind myself, somehow this man survived almost 4 decades without my wisdom on how to clean the kitchen. Just because I have a way of doing things, does not mean it is the only way. Although not perfectly, I am finding the freedom that comes from not always having to have my own way. Most of the things that we could argue about really are non-essential. I am learning that my happiness does not depend on things going my way.

Yet this way of life can be painful, at times it may literally feel like dying- dying to yourself that is. And so how can we do this better?  A few practical ideas come to mind:
Force yourself in very small ways to not get your own way. It can be as simple as ordering something at a restaurant that is unfamiliar or not specializing your order.
Try to imagine yourself in another’s shoes. Think about their needs and desires and work to put those first. This can be as practical as considering what a co-worker may need, or what could make their day easier.
When it is painful, know that Christ knows of this pain as well. He felt it too and is intimately aware of your experience. This is a small way we can identify with Him in His suffering. We can also go to Him with this struggle and receive His comfort.

(As a counselor of course I come across all kinds of struggles.  The need to get one’s own way is a struggle that is so common, and the one I tend to struggle with.  Yet there are others who have the opposite issue, boundaries in their lives have become so weak that they do not know their own opinions, they may have suffered abuse or neglect from relationships that were meant to bless and heal them. If you find yourself in this position, this blog may not be as helpful. Please know that Christ understands this kind of suffering as well and desires to help you.)

On wisdom and doubt

"If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do." James 1:5-8

Right now at Portico Church we are going through the book of James.  I have really enjoyed seeing this book in a new light and this verse totally popped off the page for me as we were going through it.

To better understand, let me tell you how I used to read this verse: 

 “I really want wisdom and I need to know what God's will is... but this verse has such a strong warning against doubting.  I am often doubtful, sinful, and wrong.  I am not sure I can believe and not doubt at all.  I can't believe perfectly.  God will surely find fault in the way I am asking because I cannot ask without doubt.  I better not ask at all.” 

I can't live that way.  I NEED wisdom.  I desperately need to know what God wants for my life and how to handle situations.  So I would still ask.  Maybe I wouldn't ask for wisdom but I would ask "What do you want me to do?" "Why is this happening?" or "What should I say?" and that is basically the same thing.  I would feel exactly like this verse predicts.  Tossed about.  I would think that I heard something from God and immediately doubt and question if it was Him or just me and wishful thinking.  I would pray and then question anything I felt or thought that God was saying.  I crowded out the still small voice with questions.  

Even clear and simple things- like hearing God say "I love you" were cast into shadows.  Maybe I just wanted to hear that He loves me but He didn't really say it?  I didn't believe that I could really hear from God. More than that, I didn't believe that he loves me enough to speak to me.  

But I still needed wisdom.  Desperately.  I still had to figure out how to live my life.  So I began assuming that God does not speak. I had been taught that God speaks through his word so I read the word.  I received many good things from it, but not always how to handle my specific situations.  I didn't know how to interpret my own life.  

I assumed that God was trying to speak to me thorough events.  I assumed that everything that happened to me must have been God's will. I began to try to determine my future actions through a series of "open doors" and "closed doors" essentially if something was easy and fell into place- that must be God and I should move forward.

The worst thing is that I had no way to interpret these events and so even when really terrible things happened- things that clearly were harmful to me, I assumed that God must think I am very strong and was putting this in my life.  This made me trust Him even less and in turn, feel even more shameful and guilty for not trusting.  I was in a crazy cycle of doubt, fear, loss of trust in our relationship, then shame for that loss of trust.  I felt isolated and alone and increasingly found it difficult to put on my happy face for church.

This was all wrong in many  ways- first of all this view cast God as the one who was finding fault- but the verse clearly states that God will give without finding fault. 

This verse seems to be appealing to the natural order; waves are naturally blown about by the wind.  God is not the one who is tossing us about.  He is not the one who is punishing us for our doubt.  Rather, a natural byproduct of doubt is that we will feel tossed about by the waves.  We will become double minded.  And worst of all, it's not so much that God does not long to give us wisdom... it's that doubt shuts our minds and hearts off to it.  We cannot hear from God because we have put our own fingers in our own ears.  

I think that when someone becomes so double minded that they cannot hear from God anymore, He does have to resort to guiding that person the way you would a small child or an animal.  I cringe whenever I hear someone say that they are so hard-headed that God must bully them.  They laugh about it as if it's a condition that is irreversible.  God is not bullying them- but he often is trying to lead them in the only way that He can.  This usually tells me that they are believing lies about themselves (this is just how I am... this is just my personality) or that they are believing lies about God (He is a bully, He doesn't love me enough to speak.)  

Hearing from God is a scary thing.  In our culture people who talk to God are virtuous but those who claim to hear from God are crazy.  Yet He does speak.  The key is to become more comfortable with the idea that this process is not perfect.  God is perfect and able to make us perfectly understand, however He wants to cultivate a relationship with us.  

Conversational intimacy with God is something that is developed over time.  It is like any other relationship.  It must be prioritized, guarded, and worked on.  I think that often people approach God as if He was a machine.  He is a person.  Remember- He became one for us!  This means that sometimes He will want to talk about something else.  This means that sometimes He will be silent.  

You are human and imperfect and so very often you will hear wrongly.  This does not mean that you should give up.  I hear wrong things all the time.  Sometimes it IS just wishful thinking or even the enemy that I hear.  God can sort it out.  I don't have to come to any big conclusions about myself or Him just because of that.  

This is a skill that is honed just like any other relational skill.  Sitting in silence, cultivating a listening heart, putting aside distractions and fear this is the NORMAL Christian life.  In fact, conversational intimacy with God is our BIRTHRIGHT as Children of God.  This is what is means to be in relationship with Him.  

I dare you to ask God for wisdom- and wait.  Oh that is vulnerable!  What if He is silent?  He might be.  Wait on Him.  Ask if there is something else He wants to talk about instead.  And when you hear something don't be so eager to end the conversation.  We often hear and run.  God wants relationship.  He is trying to slow us down, get us into His rhythm.  Ask a second question or a third.  Or just sit there in silence and enjoy Him.  The first step is simply to try.

*** I have found the writings of Richard Foster especially his book on Prayer to be especially helpful.  

Additionally, here is a series of podcasts on Conversing with God that have been literally life changing for me- http://store.ransomedheart.com/downloads/podcasts/conversing-with-god-p1-hearing-god-s-voice.html

Disruption

I came across this old journal entry from a year ago. It's funny that almost a year later I find myself in a similar season- moving again (I really have got to stop doing this every year!) and in the midst of change and sadness and excitement. And finding God faithful- when I slow down enough to receive it! Here it is:

Disruptive. That is my word for this month, hopefully not for this New Year!  

Finding God in the midst of tremendous blessing yet also tremendous disruption of my “normal life”

Moving.

Unpacking.

Broken water heaters.

Asking people if I can shower at their house.

Figuring out how to live in community with two new roommates.

Feeling sure that God is calling us to this community.

Constant surprise at how very different we are.

Hurting each other.  

Asking forgiveness.

Trying again.

Wanting to run away sometimes.

Loving friends when they are hurting physically, emotionally.

Wishing I could take it away for them.

Feeling powerless.

Praying a lot.

Seeing prayers answered sometimes so very simply.

Then seeing other prayers linger on and on.

Thinking through the implications of unanswered prayer.

Warfare.

Wanting people to grow.

Wanting to be a good leader.

Having to confront.

Knowing how far to push people.

“Failing”

Unmet expectations.

Miscalculations.

Leaky celings.

P.M.S.

Having 12 people help you move out of the goodness of theirhearts .

Having to ask 12 people to help you because you really cannot do it on your own.

Being loved.

Humbling.

Having to be needy.

Dealing with brokenness- yours, your client’s, your friends, your house’s.

Having to make some tough calls concerning people in horrible situations.

Come Lord Jesus!

Then the minor irritations.

Where did I put my phone?

Not being able to find things!

Did that even get unpacked?  

Frustration.

Tears.

Laughter at the messiness of it all!

Power outages.

Miscommunication.

Finding God in the midst of it.  Sometimes I get kinda cloudy, overwhelmed, stressed.  Then come back down again.  Realize He is here.  He might not give the answers I want but I have Him.  His love.  His presence.  His grace.  His enoughness. (Look I made a new word!)

Things will settle down, get back to “normal” or “new normal” or something resembling that.  Or maybe they won’t.  But maybe someday soon I could at least find my socks.

What a year it's been!  Thanks for listening friends!

Redeemed

Here is a blog post I wrote for my church a few weeks ago:

http://porticochurch.wordpress.com/2013/08/03/redeemed/

For years I was bitter. Although I never changed my name, my life echoed the ancient words of Naomi: “Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter. I went away full but the Lord has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi? The Lord has afflicted me the Almighty as brought misfortune upon me.”
I was a believer but I never let God get too close. I held Him at bay for years with religion then with Biblical scholarship, then with service and helping others. On the outside all seemed well but my heart was very hard. I had a vague notion that there was something more but the “more” scared me.
I remember sitting with good friends in grad school and admitting that I didn’t trust God. I didn’t cry there was no emotion but just hopelessness. They were quiet and then prayed over me. No amount of convincing would let me know that God could be trusted.
Then He began to change me. It was terrifying and amazing. I began to wrap my mind around the idea that He was not the one who had perpetrated the horrible events in my life. I began to wrap my heart around the idea that I could be known deeply and loved well. I began to wrap my actions around the idea that I could risk and be brave.
Coming to Monroe and joining Portico was yet another step in the long process. Here I learned that my small group of friends were not the only trustworthy people in the world. That I could risk on bigger levels. That I could grow and learn and lead.
This story focuses on Ruth but I wonder what Naomi felt when Boaz took them in? She did not gain a husband but I think she gained assurance that God had never forgotten her. That she mattered. She was redeemed as well. It may be uncomfortable, even terrifying, but we all are in deep need of redemption. Join us tomorrow night @6 as we discover redemption together.