I want out!

I love my iphone, I use it to use the internet, check the weather, listen to podcasts, email, video message my family, play board games online, and of course Facebook, Instagram, and endless clicking on articles that can lead to some fun rabbit holes!  Not to mention it's my gps, alarm clock, encyclopedia, recipe book, communication device, kitchen timer, newspaper, medical research, Bible, e-reader, music player, audio book reader and on and on.

Do you know what else it is?  It is something I use when I feel awkward or anxious to not have to be present.  It's a tool I use for affirmation when I am feeling bad about myself.  It's something that keeps me from feeling bored or uncomfortable.  Sometimes I feel scared or lonely and instead of doing something that may really help (call a friend, go for a walk, pray) I just zone out and hope I can wait the bad feelings out.

I know due to some trauma from my past I struggle with not feeling present in my body. My job certainly doens't help me feel more present in my body, I get paid to sit and talk to people. I think that my phone could be complicating this issue for me.  When I am on my phone I don't feel my body, I don't notice if my foot is falling asleep or if I am uncomfortable. I may be sleepy but as long as I am bathed in the glow of the screen I stay awake.  What would it be like to not have this option multiple times per day?  Especially before bed or first thing in the morning.

I think it's making me more anxious, not less.  The constant stimulation given by notifications and  multiple apps and multiple pages being open does not actually make me feel calmer.  It may be the thing I turn to when I feel anxious but I am not sure it actually helps.

Worst of all its become a real point of frustration in my marriage. I know stereotypically it's the husband who "doesn't listen" but in our marriage it's me.  Countless times John will say something offhand maybe a little joke or a quick question and I won't hear it.  I am so deep in my iphone I can't focus on anything else. I've always had the ability to hyper-focus.  I remember as a kid books could get my total attention and allow me to block out all else. I had thought of it as a minor annoyance but then I was talking with a friend about how often John and I have this problem and she said "Oh, he's trying to connect with you and your missing it."  Suddenly it wasn't just a little quirk or annoying thing I do.  It is someone I love trying to connect with me.  Maybe it's just for a second and maybe he's not even saying anything of consequence, but still it's a connection. He's getting tired of repeating himself!

Last year around Lent I disconnected my Facebook account.  It was really hard, I know Facebook has fallen out of fashion but for me it was my primary way of interacting with the internet. This year I wasn't sure what to do for the first part of Lent but for this last part I've decided:  I WANT OUT!

(I am doing this in reverse! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hox-ni8geIw)

I'm getting a DUMB Phone.


I'll do this for the rest of March and then re-evaluate.  Maybe I'll keep it forever? (Gulp!)

I have a ton of anxieties about this...
What will I do when I feel awkward?
Will I miss out on connecting with my family and friends? Especially Marco Polo and the sweet videos of my little nephew and niece!
What will I listen to on my commute without my podcasts?
And worst of all... I will get LOST ALL THE TIME! (you may know I am famous for my lack of direction, I've warned John to be ready for many frustrated phone calls!)

This is not a fast from the internet or even social media.  I can Wikipedia and Facebook as much as I want but I have to get out my laptop and take the time to let it load.  I do think that just out of practicality I will decrease my time online.

(I also know that there are apps for this and things that decrease your time online and not sleeping with the phone in your bedroom, etc.  I want to try this becasue I like the old-school feel.  I am actually old enough to remember a world before smart phones.)

I will definitely need to print out a lot of maps off of Google... remember those days?

I'll try to get on my computer and update you all fairly regularly on how it's going.